The Cocktail Case

Indians I think feel a need to a people based on their community, sort of like keeping things organised.  So when therer's a question of the cocktails or the crossbreed or whatever the word is for children of the people who married outside their community they don't know how to deal with it.  Why can't people just let us be plain Indians or just accept that we are mixed.

Generally the trend is the kids are pushed in the direction based on thier last names / Paternal community.  So for example if a Gujrati girl marries a Bong guy the kid (who is 50% Gujju and 50% Bong) would be categorised as a Bong because the father is a Bengali.  However, if the mother was a Bong and father was a Gujju the kid (still a 50% Gujju and 50% Bong mix) would have been categorised as a Gujju! WHY? Isn't the child still made up of the same ratio? 

Talking of numbers reminds me of what a friend once told me.  He is a Mother is a Gujju and Father a South Indian so he has a South Indian last name.  What he said was... "I'm 50% South Indian and 50% Gujju but I have a south Indian last name and hence will be called a South Indian.  Someday when I decide to get married and if I choose a Gujju girl my kids would be 75% Gujju but will still have a South Indian Surname and will be called South Indian." We had quiet a laugh about it then but after that day I did think about it and wondered why do we have to be categorised?

I'm a 50-50 mix of Mallu and Konkani.  My father is from Kerela and Mother a Konkani.  My first name is Bengali and look like one too sometimes...  that confuses people and amuses me.  Its as if a person with OCD has been stopped from doing what he soo badly wants to do - Categorise :o)

When someone asks me what I am, I tell them I'm a cocktail and explain the ratio, blah blah blah.  Some people just nod while some at the end say oh ok so ur a Mallu.. that is such a facepalm moment!  I don't have a problem being called a Mallu.  Just that technically I'm a mixed Indian with a south Indian last name.  I have been brought up under the Maternal cultural influence, I don't speak Malayalam, or know much about anything on my fathers side of the family with almost no contact with my paternal cousins.  So at the end of it when someone calls me a Mallu it doesn't feel very right.  Why would they not accept a mix? It can be a little annoying at times - when I attend a (maternal) community function.  People would talk quiet nicely till they realise I'm a Mallu almost everytime they react as if they have bit into a Pomello assuming it was sweet lime! Its like a club where you need a last name to enter.  Even though people claim to be educated, liberal / broad minded they just cant seem to stop with tagging.

Sometimes when I explain to people that I am a mix and not to tag me they think I have an aversion to being called a Mallu.  Those who know me don't categorise me and those who don't... Well I really don't care.  Theres a lot to a person than just a last name.

The Key to Happiness

Imagine if there were a key that could unlock a secret door to a world of happiness how it would work? What would it look like?  A key but to a palce where you would always be happy! Wouldn't that be marvelous.  Then would anyone come back to 'Everyday'? Would it possible to bring bits of that world into our 'Everyday'?

image found on google

Its a challenge to stay positive all the time.  There will always be people around who are not happy, the ones that cringe when asked for help, those who try to pull you down or don't appreciate you. Yes there will always be rubbish people around that might make you wish there was a place you could escape to far away from them.  Someplace where you can be truly happy.

What does the world need? Money? Power? Oil? I think its peace, happiness and joy.  Behind all the violence, war, corruption and all the sadness and negativity there are people who are struggling to be happy.  Why do people wage wars, why do they do bad things? Definitely not because they are happy... Happy people don't do such things.  I think its because, somehow, somewhere, they have linked happiness to an external source.  While the key to be really happy lies within.

There are basically two reasons why we do what we do?
a) To Survive
b) To be Happy

These two different very different.  What we do by instinct is survive what we really want is to be happy.

Most people work to earn money, to survive, so that one day they might live to do that what makes them happy. - I don't believe that!

Do we really need to wait for that one day to be happy? Happiness is a state of mind.  Why can't we be happy now? Why not celebrate every moment that we live? Life is unpredictable! Every minute that we are healthy and alive is a reason to be happy.  I get happy and excited about every thing, from a text from a friend, a new coffee mug, to a keychain, to a day with no problems! You see what you want to see.  I love everything there is about life! Nothing can keep me low for too long and when I'm back I'm better than before.  You don't need any secret doors that open to happiness.  Its all around you.  You just need to find that excuse to smile! :)

So here's one for you: Of the thousand things I like to do when I'm not blogging is  check out what brings people to this blog. I saw there was this one post that attracted most people Happiness is a Choice this was most googled.  The second one was strangely I don't know why but people are seem quiet intrigued as why cockroaches fly! Not kidding, these are the actual stats! Thats why the cockroach article is the most read!

Anyway, even though it might seem like the roaches are most sought after my point is - People just really want to be happy and you don't have to give up on anything.  Its a state of mind.  I'm not saying thinking 'I'm happy' will work.  Some things in life come in small packages that are little piece to the huge jigsaw puzzle of the 'Happily Ever After'.  Don't skip these little notes in anticiption to a drumroll cue.  Happiness can be the little wild flower that grows in your garden or the cup of coffee that you share with someone! :)

Mother of Mine

I've made many attempts to post this article but somehow was waiting for a special occasion and many have passed - Mothers Day, Woman's Day, Teacher's Day and even my mum's B'day.  Well... she is the Iron Lady of my life, my first teacher, my guide, the source of  many inspirations - She is my Mother...Everyday is her day. I am the daughter of Nirmala. 

I'm sure many of us hold our parents in high regard.  This post isn't going to talk about why my mum is most special in the world... Its about She IS the MOST SPECIAL person in My World! She is My God - The Creator of me. 

Of the thousand memories that I have of my Mum I'd like to share this one incident.  As a child I imagine I was quiet difficult and stubborn.  My mum has always led by example.  She has never forced me to just blindly do as told but encouraged asking questions, thinking and always reasoned to convince me.

There was once this time when got a note from a teacher for not doing my homework and had to get my parents to sign.  I thought may be I should not bother them with such petty tasks and forged my mother's signature.  Next day in school I showed the note to the teacher - I wasn't a great forger and she realized I had signed it. I'm a horrible liar - I can't lie for nuts! She asked me if I had done it and I nodded a yes.

The teacher took me to the School Headmistress's office.  Any kid would be nervous I guess but I was thinking My god what drama over homework not done! They really need to chill! So anyway, that day I went home with a note from the Headmistress!  Now I was nervous, homework not done would still have been easy to explain but how to I start to explain a forgery!? By evening I managed to muster up some courage and handed her the note not knowing what to expect.  She read it and then asked me if I had done. Then she wanted to see the copy and asked how I did it and then... Wait for it.... She smiled! Then she says.. "Its OK, these are those once-in-a-life things. I had done it once too when I was in school. Just don't do it again"  and I was off the hook!  

You can only imagine what a WOW moment that was.... I left thinking I have been blessed with a really cool Mom! I never again did repeat it, also when I think back I know some other people might have spanked the kid for this - not doing homework, forging notes where is this kid headed.  It was the 'reaction' that changed everything. She never raised her hand on us, she could always make us understand by explaining the situation. But more importantly I think it was also because she remembered what it was like to be a kid. This is also a good parenting lesson, someday when I have kids I know this is one of the stories I will be sharing with them :)

She used to call me a day dreamer. Yes, that's where I first heard this word I was all of five!  She would sometimes consult me silly matters but its very important, which I don't think many parents do (at least not many from my time).  They just tell the kids what to do and are not really bothered about their opinion. But that is important, it made me feel valued.  She taught me what the right thing to do is but the choice was always mine. She has only passed good things to her children.  I owe all my successes to her.  But the failures would only be my responsibility, faults that I have are my own for its only because I forgot her lessons.  

I possibly can't write everything in one post but to sum it up.  Nothing we ever do in life to try to repay the debt to our mother is ever going to be enough.  Selfless love like a mother's is something that can never ever be replaced or repaid.  

My Mother, I will forever be indebted and grateful to you for everything!

Two Friends - A Short Story

Boy, have I been away for a long time! Life kept me buzy.  Lots of good things happening.  This is not an open dairy - I know that and I keep telling myself - but many good things have happened.  And Joy is a thing to be shared.  Life as we know isn't always full of fun and happiness - ofcourse! -  we appreciate it more because of the days of melancholy, gloom and despondency.  There were a lot of sad resentful events taking place around that made me angry - killing of the girl child that was in the news, women safety issues in Delhi or rather the lack of it! Not to forget the dirty politics Ughh! On the personal front there had been a few mini storms blowing. Nothing major but you know how EVERYTHING seems to go wrong when we are in a terrible situation.  I'd rather spread joy than wallow in misery and self pity! I'm too good for that :D hehe

I think us humans enjoy drama - there's a reason why those Balaji serials do so well you know! - the feeling you get when the heart skips a beat sort of stimulates the brain in some way! So here's a story - 

Ananya had been married for three years and was now a mother to a little baby boy.  Her life was perfect - a loving husband,  a happy and healthy baby and a promising career.  There were some moments when she remembered an old friend... Dhriti.  They were close friends during the college years but had fallen out of touch.  Ananya partly blamed herself, it was around the time she got married. It was a love marriage, Tanmay - her husband - belonged to a different community ... a different part of the country actually.  In a country where the caste system still exists it had taken a lot more than just coaxing her parents to agree to go through the wedding.  It had been a quiet registered marriage followed by a quick traditional ceremony. 

While sorting out family issues after love, friendship was placed on the back burner. She couldn't share this with her  friend who was working in a different city. By the time the news reached Dhriti it was over 6 months.  Ananya was in a different city and she did not have her new number. There was e-mail but there was also the ego.  Dhriti was surprised but not any more than she was hurt.  She was happy for her friend and told herself that there must have been 'reasons' for her friend's behavior.  She assumed Ananya wanted the space and maintained her distance.  She did miss their friendship.

Three years later Dhriti was back in her hometown for a trip.  While at the supermarket she ran into Ananya's mother.  She was happy to see Dhriti and inquired about her life, she was also gushing about her new little grandson - Luv.  Dhriti was delighted to hear about Ananya's baby.  She asked for her phone and decided to let bygones be bygones...  she had to speak with her friend.  That evening she dialed her friend as thought's about what her Ananya might say or how she would react ran through her mind.  

"Hello Ananya! How's your baby doing?" is what she managed to speak as Ananya answered the call.  "Hello, umm Sorry... Who's this?"

"I knew you wouldn't recognise my voice.  Still Do you want to guess?"

"Your voice is soo familiar!.. I'm just not able to recollect"

"Its alright.  Three years is a long time... I'm someone you seem to have forgotten" Dhriti smiled and sighed as she said this.

"It you Dhriti! OH MY GOD! Its You! I'd recognize that smile anyday."

"How have you been? And how's the baby Luv?"

"Umm I'm good.  Luv is learning to stand...  How have you been?"

"Why did you not call me? I was always happy for you... "

"Dhriti... I'm Sorry! Really, I can't tell you how many times I thought of calling you but only stopped because I was afraid you'd be upset.  I missed you and then it seemed like it was too late.. It seemed awkward to call you.  I didn't know what to say... I'm really sorry!" Ananya paused to fight back her tears.

"Yeah, you should be. Well you can apologize every week till the rest of your life every time you call me" Tears welled up in her eyes as she said this. She knew Ananya was truly sorry.  She was still the same person and nothing seemed to have changed.

The rest of the conversation was alright. They spoke for two whole hours like they had never stopped talking and this was just another of the regular phone calls. They  met the following week are now in touch and very much at peace with  each other.

Sometimes its as easy as picking up a phone call to clear misapprehensions.  How many times do we actually do it?

The Bank of Secrets

Once upon a time, far far away there was a bank that specialised in locking away secrets.  Why have a bank you wonder?  Well, because some secrets are so heavy that they are difficult to bear.  Plus, depositing a secret in a bank meant a lighter heart along with the assurance that it was locked away in a safe. This bank also had Checking and a Current account system. the checking account was for individuals who visited only when they had to deposit secrets while the current account was for therapists and psychiatrists they would deposits their confidential secret files with the bank on a daily basis.  Opening an account was simple but it was making the deposits that took a little getting used to. When the customers had to deposit their secret they would need to cogitate over the subject they wanted to deposit.  The bank deposit section had a thinking room the place that facilitated the deposit process. 

The thinking room was the place where the secret extraction process took place.  The clients had to sit in the 'Extrication' chair which was similar to the dentist's chair but only they did not use the same tools. Next, a 'Thought Plucker' is placed over the head that it covers even the face.  The exercise then begins, the client has to think about what they want to deposit - The Secret. They have to close their eyes think about every little detail and let their thoughts flow and completely relax. When the entire process is complete the result is a key. This is the key to unlocking the secret that has been deposited. Each individual's key is unique as are their thoughts and secrets.  It's texture feels like it's made of lac. It's a delicate key the bank hands this key over to the client after payment procedure has been completed.

Ah yes.. The payment.  All customers are required to make a one time payment for every deposit that they make. The currency was gold bars, minimum value deposit cost about 3 gold bars.   The value for the deposits as per the key complication standard - the more twisted and great the secret the key design would be that much more complicated. This key would be handed over to them after the payment was complete.

The security was super tight but there were those rare instances of theft once in half a century or two and when that happened it sure did cause a scandal.  The theft was not because someone broke in but because someone went to retrieve the secret and could not contain it.  You know secrets,  they are generally deposited to be forgotten but for some reason some clients held on to the key and passed it on to somebody who happened to be a little too nosy.  Most clients would crush the ever delicate key as soon as they got their hands on it so the secret was sealed forever.

What if this bank existed today? Wonder what kind of secrets would be deposited. Who do you think would be its High Net Worth clients?   

Surprises

There is something just charming and lovable about surprises (referring the good ones of course!).  Its nice to surprise people, to watch the reaction and observe how they respond.  You might have surprised someone in the family or your friends but have you ever tried surprising who are just acquaintances? How about random strangers who might have helped you? (OK may be not if they look scary or dangerous - looks can be deceiving, I know but better safe than sorry right :P)

Try This: 

Surprise someone, do something nice impulsively (you will surprise yourself even) and I'm not talking about family or close friends.  Try surprising someone who would never expect a surprise from you - a colleague, acquaintance, someone who helps you with direction maybe or a teacher - basically someone who you would generally not think of surprising.  

Surprises don't always come gift wrapped.  When I say surprise I don't mean buying expense gifts or taking them out to dinner or something lavish. These random people are the ones who will NEVER expect a surprise from you.  Surprise them may be by helping with something - you might have to out of your way to make it special, or may be a hug (this is fine if you know it won't be taken in any other way :P) if its someone random like the person who helped you with directions - say thank you like you  truly mean it and you would have been lost forever if it weren't for them.  When you help someone or someone helps you 'Thanks / Thank You' just seems like a reflex action and not like you are really genuinely thankful. We are being polite but that's about it. So its worth spending that 1-2 extra minutes to thank the person.  That person and you will both depart with a smile on the faces and a little warmth in the heart.

During weekdays most people who work spend at-least 50% of the waking time at work and that's the least. I'm sure some might spend more even (read workaholics)  despite spending so much time at work sometimes you don't really know your teammates (if it is intentional it might be fine and the distance must be respected) but very few people really know about whats really happening in their co-worker's life.  I know some can be extremely boring or obnoxious or rude or mean or even really extra sweet and give you a feeling of diabetes still there's a way you can surprise them.  You must may be just once a year.  Pleasantly surprise them with something, could be work or a treat or just a casual chat at the coffee machine.  But there is always something to surprise them with and when you do, you will find that warm fuzzy feeling inside :) 

Ever thought about thanking the door man or the lift operator or the sweeper or the waterboy or the cleaning lady? We think they are being paid and they are just doing their job but everybody needs some sort of recognition something positive to motivate and look forward to doing the same thing day in and day out.  Even a kind word might work for them or may be a surprise early bonus around festivals or anything that would make them feel good.  Just a random act, not something you would be expected to do everyday but something to make them feel that they are also doing something important.

Why do it?

To find that warm 'feel good' feeling more often than we usually do. Seeing that unexpected smile, the little bit of unexpected happiness in someone will make you happy too and its such a great feeling!  Lots of bad things happen everyday and we need to stay positive and happy. Staying positive does not mean over looking the bad bits but trying to better things. Its these little things that you can do to make someone's day special. You know the feeling when you get a good surprise - you love it!  Its even better when shared with someone.  Knowing how they are feeling and knowing you are the reason for it sort of amplifies the excitement.  Its like the moment you see a child opening their present.  You know what's inside and you might have only imagined what the moment would be like, but its only when they open the present you can actually feel it too.  Another thing this will do is you start thinking about making someone happy - someone, other than you. You learn to be creative and more impulsive. 

There might be people who say they don't like surprises but I don't believe that's true.  A good surprise is something anybody would love. So, go ahead spread a smile, make someone happy :)

If You Could Buy A Dream...

There are to-dos, there are the I want tos, then there are the dreams.. wishes things we really want but think it unachievable. What if there was a shop that sold dreams? What if there was this one place we could just walk in and buy our dreams and make them happen? For one there would be a really long queue outside this one and the price of dreams, terms of trade would not be for money.  You can buy dreams but all things come at a cost and so does every dream. 

Some dreams cost a lifetime of happiness while some only cost a smile, some cost hard-work and some a few tears of joy.  The value of each dream varies for each person and the cost is based on what the person is truly willing to pay.  No fake currency is accepted, the shopkeeper just knows when its not real.  There are no bargains because bargain for the price and you negotiate over the quality of your dream too.  

There's one rule - The buyer must know what the dreams are worth and must pay in full. Children have the best dreams but they cannot buy them all because they sometimes do not know the cost.  Some adults realise the true value of the dream after they bought it - they either undervalued it and feel it wasn't worth the cost OR they had over valued it and got a great deal! There are few who are able to decide on the perfect cost.  But the cost matters just till the dream has been purchased after that its either absolute happiness for the wish has been fulfilled or despair at buying the ill fitting reverie.  

Every dream is special and so is the price each one pays.What dream would you buy and at what cost?

Once Upon a Credit Card

Today afternoon I received a call from a lady.  She asked if I knew one particular Mr. Rogue Someone.. When I said yea – I had gone to school with this guy – she said she was calling from the Legal department of some bank. She informed me that this person has given my name as reference.  When she said reference I thought reference for a new credit card, personal loan, home loan, etc, etc. What she said next totally stumped me; She said this person who I had said I knew few seconds ago had defaulted on paying his credit card bill and had give my name as Reference and I would now have to pay for what he owes the bank!

 

WTF!!! Did she just ask me to pay for somebody’s credit card? I had last seen this guy about 10 years ago! Someone I went to school with has grown up to be a Crook! Why did I say I know him? He’s just an acquaintance (yeah, within seconds the ‘school friend’ was demoted to ‘acquaintance’. I’m sure that’s the most normal behavior) I asked God, why me? All these thoughts sprang up in my mind, while at the other end of the line the woman who sounded calm at the beginning of the call was now yelling and asking if I was going to pay? I said ‘Not a chance!’ I asked if my signature was there anywhere on the submitted documents. To which she confirmed in the negative. (Phew!) I just had to confirm else it could have been a case of forgery + robbery.

 

I tried to explain that I had no knowledge of this Mr. Rogue Someone and the last time I saw him was TEN years ago. To which she told me that he has given my contact details – My current residence address, office address and my phone number! I had no clue, how in the world had he got these details.  But then, these are not super confidential details.  These details are easy to get. My friends know where I work and where I live that does not make me liable to pay all their credit card bills, does it!?  I could not really continue talking to this lady, she seemed to have gone berserk (may be working in the bank’s recovery department does that you).  I tried to reason that I had not signed anywhere for anybody to be a guarantor and so I am NOT liable.  She asked me to call him and sort it out with this Rogue guy and to check if I was aware or not was not her look out! I did not have any of his details, it was insane! Her yelling had crossed my patience limit; I could not take any more and just disconnected the call.

 

I hoped and prayed this was some stupid prank and someone would call back saying it was some sort of a joke. I even wondered if it could be a phishing trick. No one called back.  I had asked for Rogue’s number from the lady before since I did not have his details with me and I tried calling.  This person was not answering my calls ofcourse! Why would he!? I imagined he must have saved my number as ‘The Scapegoat’.  I tried to stay calm and still confident that I was not paying for anyone.  But then the lady had really shocked me, she was super rude and loud and I can’t handle aggression of any form.  She was too violent verbally and felt like my super bright day melted because of her ferocious demeanor. 

 

After about 15 minutes I decided to call back on the number, I still thought maybe, just may be somebody who picks up will tell me it’s not a bank or it was mistake.  A man answered this time.  I asked him which place it was and he said it was the legal department of the bank. He was nicer than the lady but he said the same things… I would have to pay just because some nutcase gave my name as a reference… a very shrewd nutcase. The man said that this could be a case of fraud, however my name was mentioned in the reference and that is why I would have to pay.   I had heard enough nonsense and disconnected the call.

 

I was annoyed, irritated and angry but also felt vulnerable and weak because of the sudden shock.  I did not ask what the amount was but from the tone of the caller... big enough to make them mad I think.  I paused and tried to think of someone who would be able to advise me with a problem like this.  I thought of a friend who could help me – someone who was perfect in problems like these.  He checked with a few of his sources and confirmed that I was safe, I was not a guarantor and that just being a referenced does not mean I would have to pay - the bank cannot touch my account. Later he also shared a link (provided at the end of this post) where I could lodge a complaint against the bank if I get a call from the 'recovery' cell again

 

In the mean time I called the bank credit card grievance department and narrated the incident. So what does it actually mean when someone provides a name as a reference?

When a person applies for a new credit card he/she needs to give the name of a friend or family who know the person and can vouch for the applicant’s credibility.  I had never received the confirmation call for processing Rogue’s credit card. Now-a-days banks just sell credit cards to anybody who can provide minimum documentation required to process a credit card request. 

 

After I had lodged a complaint on the behavior of the recovery agent / Legal dept lady, the executive apologized and promised I would get a call back and told me not to worry.  Not sure if I should stop worrying but this raised a few questions.  Is it really easy to fool a bank? I mean swipe your credit card all you want and then just name anybody give their contact details as reference and the fugitive can get away with that?  The person referred could be in a very scary situation – like me, the last time I heard of this guy was TEN years ago! Today I get a call for ransom! (well, that’s how it felt :P) I only hope there are no more of those calls. 

 

Just FYI: individuals can complain against the recovery agents if they threaten / abuse you or your family members or gives bitter visits at work or home or just stalking you.

 

Below is the RBI link where you can lodge your complaints.

http://www.rbi.org.in/scripts/helpdesk.aspx

 

Hope nobody has to go through such an unpleasant situation and this bit of info is helpful.