Sunday, February 10, 2013

Wedding Phobia?

I know I have these beautiful ideas about marriage and having been through a really close friends wedding I realise how special that is.  Its not just about the two people getting married its also about the two families coming together.  Both the individuals gain a whole new family and find themselves in a host of new relationships. I know the girl moves out of her home but I think these days its not such a big deal as it used to be what seems like eons ago.  Although, when she comes back to her parents home after the wedding she would be only visiting as Mrs. Somebody!

So... I have an idea of the kind of marriage I'd want and the family I'll have someday. At the same time I've been having these horrible nightmares about my wedding.  I see myself in the Mandap and the rituals going on the matras being recited and at the same time I can hear the thoughts in my head going "You're marrying the wrong guy! Get out of here!" and I wake up scared and heart racing like mad.

Most my friends know I'm single and looking to settle down.  Those unmarried and my age are doing exactly the same thing but I wonder.. Do they ever have these nightmares? (as I type this I wonder if I should be talking about this with one of those friends instead of posting about it.  But since I let so many ideas die out in draft I think this would up the TRP :P hahahahahha)

I tried to think logically why I've been having nightmares.  I'm not really afraid of commitment as such but may be it was the thought of having to spend forever after with that 'One' person (I don't want to think about options if I do get married to the wrong guy). Its a life sentence and you get to choose your cell mate. One wrong decision and you could be screwed (sense the pun?). The thought of what if I make a mistake add a tiny bit of pressure.  Also, time is of the essence isn't it.  When I was younger I had a life plan - that is different from what it is now - and I'm long way off it!

Since that plan is outdated I've decided to talk about it... It was simple
  1. Fall in love at 23 
  2. Get married at 25
  3. First baby at 27
  4. Second baby at 29

Now to point out, Step 1 is not something that can be planned.  You might say point 2 is.  Well, not for me.

I can't imagine getting married to somebody I don't feel love for - The real love! I've had friends whose marriages were arranged and they are happily married.  May be the system works for them.  For me its not so much about getting married as 'Who' is it that I would be spending the rest of my life with and loving every living day of forever after! When I've talked about this line with my friends, the married ones are quick to response by "You can't be really happy every day, there will be tough times."  I completely understand that! Life isn't a holiday, its a journey where you choose your company, your friends and after a certain point you choose the partner for life.  That one person who you would always support and who would always be there when you need them.  

That said, I'm not afraid of marriage or getting married, I'm not even thinking about marriage.  But I do hope to meet that special somebody... Sooner rather than later.

9 comments:

  1. interesting thing! but yeah. do not stop imagining! and do not conclude from imaginations. i have been through the entire process, end-to-end. and the cosmic energies around you always help! i don't want to be very philoooo but to have a successful relation, keep aside the ego and keep in the trust! also, you can conclude of whether your decision was right, only when you see both of those babies (27 and 29 walla) are getting married and you are counseling them :) :) on a quick funny note, modify your dreams. amidst the market volatility, a baby at 29 is no no :) :) :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jkhona!! Loved reading your comment!! :D and my kids.. hmmm no comments

      Delete
  2. Nice blog, as always Nikki. I think your feelings are true for many other people - nationally, internationally and indeed beyond!

    For me, I think the main comment I would have is that I still think we over-romanticise marriage to the point that we end up looking for the wrong things, and as you say marry the 'wrong' person (I say it like that as even the 'wrong' person can still become the 'one' if you know how to work at it...but that's a whole other blog!)

    So, let me explain a little more...

    Society at large teaches us that marriage, like anything else, is a consumer good. It's about finding the person who makes me happy, the person who will do what I want. Certainly in western culture, many people who lose this from their marriage just take the simple and easy route of divorce and then start the process again. In fact, you need to treat marriage not as a consumer good, but as - what I would call - a 'covenant' relationship.

    Marriage is about finding someone who shares the same attitude to marriage as you, the same beliefs and values and someone to whom you can promise yourself and they to you. What is the promise? Well, the promise is to put them first. To prefer their needs to your own, their happiness to your own, their dreams to your own. Now, indeed what should come out of that (if you're both living in that way) is happiness for you both and indeed a love which runs much deeper than the simple romantic love. Love shouldn't weaken as marriage goes on, it should grow ever deeper.

    The thing is, if you find 'the one' for you now, the truth is that inevitably once you've been together for a few years and your views, beliefs and situations have changed significantly, ineveitably you find that 'the one' is no longer 'the one'. Instead, don't look for someone who is 'the one' right now, but someone's who's willing to dedicate their life to BECOME 'the one' for you and indeed someone to whom you can make the same promise.

    Finally, I know that I am the man I am today due (at least 50%) to the beautiful woman I married (and I expect that % to increase as our length of marriage increases!). So you need to not only find someone who shares the same values, beliefs and someone who will sacrifice of themselves to be 'your one' but also someone who inspires you, someone who helps you to be better than you are. I love my wife massively, and part of that is that I love who I become when I'm with her and how I have grown (and will continue to grow) under her love and care.

    So, I'm not trying to burst your romantic bubble, but marriage - good, quality, long-lasting and deep marriage - takes sacrifice, hard work, wisdom and a willingness to die to yourself in preference to your spouse. But trust me when I say this, when it works and when you see this model working, it is the most inspiring and powerful tool in this world and indeed refelcts even God himself.

    Hope this helps - even if just to make you question motivations! :)
    And don't forget, you can always write off my view as being a quirkly English view! ;-)

    Keep it up...

    Cx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your valuable comment Chris! That's a good perpective, agree may be its this romaticised idea of marriage that might have made things a little difficult. :)

      Delete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Awesome writeup Nikki :-)
    As I read it.... I could feel as if someone was reading my mind out loud... Had I been as good as you in writing so beautifully.... I guess would have penned down my thoughts on this topic as well
    N yeah.... let me tell u .... even I get these nightmares :-D
    As far as your timeline goes.... I guess those times have gone when the perfect age for a girl to get married was before 25 & having babies by 30 was important .... In today's world.... marriage should happen when you are prepared for it in every aspect & babies should follow when the couple is ready to welcome the beautiful new change in their lives (I have no experience of it yet but from what i see around me this is what I think) :-)
    Making your marriage a success has nothing to do with the age when you get married/ have children I guess....

    ReplyDelete
  5. Beautiful post to start my day. Love your thoughts and all the best for your search. When I was growing up I used to think I would never get married. A friend and I discussed that we would share an apartment somewhere in Canada and no men ever. She went and got married when she was 18 and moved to Mauritius so there went our plans. :) I got married 8 years later. And agree with Chris's comment above. Well said!

    ReplyDelete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete

Like it? Share it :)