It was 1.20 am on the clock, Raashi stared at the blank email template wondering where to start. She had thought about it but actually typing it out would need a little more courage, she picked up her 3rd mug of Bloody Mary and chugged it down. She was in love, real love, but it was unrequited and the story had to end. Love however wouldn't.
It had been a month since they had last spoken. 'Shashank the elder', as she thought of him. He would try to make a point sometimes saying "I'm older than you are, I know better" or "I'm older than you are, listen to me". She smiled as she thought of how he'd say it. She remembered everything about him. Every minute they had spent together. And how he had made her feel. She was almost sure of when she might have fallen in love with him.
She hadn't been in many relationships in the past. She was weary of people... men and had trust issues. Somehow he had managed to jump over those hurdles. He had changed her in so many ways and she thought he should know about it. She wasn't an arts and crafts girls, sure she was a DIY girl but the two aren't the same. She never thought she had patience to make those cute explosion cards, but she had made one for him. She wasn't the type to go see friends off at the airport but she wanted to, for him. She wanted to hug and kiss him good bye. She never thought she'd travel and try to make a long distance relationship work. But she had done that too. She had this list of things which she thought was silly and she'd never do. But she had done almost everything on there.
This email she was going to write was also a thought she had been wrestling with for a while. She was always verbose about her thoughts and feelings. So this also needed to be said clearly.
It's important to have boundaries. Walls help identify where they end... or begin, depending on where you're standing. They help identify what's yours and what's not. And this distinction is important. You need to slap yourself sometimes to wake up. To help see more clearly above any delusions.
She had thought this through practically. "It's like cutting the umbilical cord" she mumbled. Babies are almost parasitic, they latch themselves onto the host (Mother) and derive nutrients from her until they are string enough to kindof survive without the extreme attachment. She actually loved babies. But the thought of the current world affairs made her think that may be she shouldn't add to the global population. With pollution rising and the looming threat of a third world war... As she coiled up in her chair pulling her knees closer to her chest, she sighed looking back at the email and realised she was almost missing the train of thought.
"I Love him but I can't have him, it's not going to work. You have to officially end this chapter. Please do it!" she said to herself aloud. Her body as if to oppose, shut the laptop picked up her phone and walked away from the table. This needs to happen. The relationship was dying and it hurt because he didn't care about it. He was apparently very clear about it. He didn't even want a relationship. According to him it was an advanced friendship. But he was clear there would be no future together.
'Shashank' the name meant the moon. She had liked it ever since he had told her the meaning. He had become the moon of her life. She thought of him everyday and even the silliest things reminded her of him. He was a close 85% of what she thought she wanted in her life partner. When it comes to partnership it's collaborating with someone with the same goals and not just a person with desired skills. The relationship was way beyond just wishing it would work out. There was no hope. It was time to pull the plug. She had cried enough about it. More than a couple of nights to realise that if she's the only one feeling what she was feeling it was just self harm... She needed to walk away from it. It wouldn't change her feelings, there was doubt they ever would but this had to end.
She picked up a bottle of water from the fridge and walked back to the laptop. She was going to write a letter to say good bye. Goodbyes like boundries were important...